How To Stop Wanting Things That Are “Bad” For You
What Tempts You?
Tempted to spend money when you are on a budget? Or perhaps you are trying to give up watching silly TV shows or video games? What should you do when you want to stop wanting something? Sometimes, the answer seems counter-intuitive, but it may be surprisingly simple.
How To Stop Wanting Things That Are “Bad” For You
1. Admit that you want the thing—without judgment or admonition.
Often we want something that we have decided is bad or wrong (or it actually is bad or wrong) for us; we tell ourselves to ignore the desire and we admonish ourselves if we continue to want it. That dance between our desires and our attempts at self-discipline creates a tension that, unfortunately, can only be resolved by eventually giving in and HAVING the thing.
Instead, try fully admitting that you WANT whatever it is. Make the fact that you want it a complete sentence. Do not add any rationale or judgment. Just allow yourself a moment to fully and completely want it. Once you admit it, don’t blog about how you want it and cannot have it—just admit you want it and then be done with it. It may seem that admitting you desire something and then not getting it would be torture, but you may be surprised to find the opposite is true. It can actually help relieve the tension.
2. Separate what you want from how you behave.
You can want something and still choose not to have it or do it. One way to do this is to make decisions about your behavior before you are tempted with the opportunity. Let’s say you are attending a company or networking event for the second year in a row. Last year, knowing that drinking alcohol takes you off of your game, you decided you didn’t want to have any drinks. But once you arrived, you found beautiful glasses full of tasty wine everywhere you turned, and you caved. You would have been much more likely to keep this promise if you had dedicated more than a passing thought to the goal before the actual event took place.
This time, consider these questions: Why is this restraint important to you? How will you behave if someone offers you a drink? Are there any exceptions? Is there a way you plan to reward yourself for complying with your self-request? How can you best support yourself in keeping this promise? (Note that I did not suggest asking yourself why you are weak and susceptible to temptation—because that never helps.)
Admitting what you want and keeping it separate from what you do about it is a habit that can build into the discipline you have always wanted for yourself. But like all good things, start small and work up from there.
Coaching Assignment:
Notice how you feel when you do something you wish you hadn’t—but pay attention only to the facts. For this assignment you should be curious about your behavior, but not judgmental. Here’s an example: “I wonder why I lost my temper again in the meeting. Every time the company auditors come to town I get riled up and then lose my temper and yell. I wonder what triggers that kind of behavior? What was going on with me in there? It’s interesting how NOT me that is.”
“The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action.” – John Dewey
B’s Best Resources
The Path of Least Resistance: Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life. By Robert Fritz
I wish I could say I thought up the ideas on how to change behavior patterns all on my own, but the seed for that wisdom came to me 25 years ago when I read this book. The book has been revised and updated since and is a must-read. If you have a habit that you really, really, really want to change, read this book.
